Dear Mr. Squirrel,

Hello, Mr. Squirrel.

I am the woman who keeps you fat and happy.

You come to my house and routinely partake of the food that I leave out for the birds. Not for you, for the birds. You have eaten through one birdfeeder (that was a birthday gift for my son — have you NO manners?!), and managed to outsmart the expensive “squirrel-proof” feeder that I bought in replacement. You beat me and discouraged me to the point of leaving the feeder empty for a good nine months. Birds came and went, sadly…eventually even the cardinals, beloved ground feeders that they are, gave up.

But yesterday, when I was sitting outside with my children, I noticed a pair of beautiful goldfinches examining the empty feeder. And I thought, “Oh! I want them to stay!”. I quickly ran to fill the feeder.

Two problems arose at this moment, Mr. Greedy Rodent.

One, the branch on which the feeder was sitting was bent to the point of snapping at any moment. I can only think that this is from the repeated acrobatics you performed on it while fattened on enormous amounts of stolen birdseed.

Two, the yellowjackets who have a nest in the ground out there decided to make an appearance. One of their little scouts was sniffing out my unprotected ankle, which led me to run screaming down the hill, birdfeeder in hand. I know this is not directly your fault, but no doubt your delinquent behavior has attracted other unsavory types into the neighborhood. The yellowjackets will most likely be getting an angry letter from me as well.

I resolved not to give up. I filled the feeder and set it down outside, plotting an evening trip to Lowe’s to purchase a “shepherd’s crook” on which to hang the feeder. I thought this might discourage you, and even make you the butt of jokes as we watched, happily eating our breakfast, as you slipped and slid down the pole. Oh, how happy those days would be. I could almost see your fat little legs frantically spinning as you tried to make your way up the smooth metal.

After dinner, we made our trip to the store and purchased the shepherd’s crook. Perhaps I should tell you that a “shepherd” is a person who takes care of sheep. Sheep are stupid animals, but they obey humans. They live long and happy lives, and are usually fat with very little effort. You might take a lesson from them.

When we arrived home I made my critical mistake. I leaned the hook up against the side of the garage and planned to install it in the morning, when it was light outside. The idea of trying to stick the hook in the ground in the dark seemed a bad one, especially when there were beds to be made up and kids to get to bed.

During the night, you committed your most foul crime to date:

As I raised the blinds this morning before breakfast, a gasp escaped my lips as I beheld the carnage. Then and there, I vowed that you would lose this war.

The birds will eat.

You will not.

I think you underestimate your competition, Fat Beast. I come from a long line of birdfeeder defenders.

My grandmother, the dairy farmer’s wife, is celebrated as a longtime defender of bluebirds. She was (and is) known to run out the door, arms flailing, yelling at the top of her lungs at any threat to her beloved winged friends. Sometimes she even takes the broom with her. Not bad for a woman under five feet tall.

My mother took a more relaxed route, choosing instead to let the natural order continue…that is, she turned the dogs on any one of your kind seen on our birdfeeder. This was often our mealtime entertainment…watching one of your family get nice and comfortable on the feeder, and waiting until precisely the right moment to let our black labs out the back door. Oh, the looks of panic that escaped those squirrels’ faces!! What should they do? Try to scramble back up onto the branch? Or jump to the snow below, risking life and limb in a mad dash for the woods over the fence?

I will stop at nothing. I am human. I have opposable thumbs. I also have access to a credit card and I have a clean criminal record. That means I can buy a crossbow, a gun, or various kinds of poison. Perhaps I will recruit my handsome, intelligent and talented engineer husband to devise a complicated Squirrel Torture Machine that we will call “The Annihilator.”

You’d better watch your back. I’m from the suburbs but I am fierce. It is on.

Sincerely,
The Ornery Housewife Behind the Glass

Humbled again

A couple of weeks ago, I bought Les Miserables in paperback. It was one of those classics that I hadn’t read yet and it had been on my list for a long time. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and completed the last page with tears streaming down my cheeks.

Let me interject here and say that over the weekend, a friend noticed the book laying on our table and asked, simply, “Abridged?” I replied, “no,” inwardly thinking, “Does he know who he’s talking to? Abridged? Sacrilege!”

After I finished the book early this afternoon, I came down diligently to my computer, a blog entry already percolating in my head, about reflections on the book. I decided to use the Project Gutenberg site to include some quotations from the book. But as I paged through the online version, I noticed some snippets here and there that I hadn’t read. What? Had I bought an abridgement? Surely not. My heart rate accelerated as I checked, as I had in the bookstore, all over the book for those nasty words, “abridged” or “adapted.” They were not to be found.

After some frantic online research, I discovered that not even the publisher’s website states that this is an abridged version.

But it is.

And now I’ve spent two weeks of my life obsessively poring over a less-than-complete version of Hugo’s masterpiece.

Apparently works as long as Les Miserables must be specified to be “unabridged,” instead of the other way around. Apparently publishers think that no one in their right mind would really want to read the whole thing.

I was taken in with the sight of a 600+ page novel, thinking it was unabridged. But the real unabridged version? It’s 1400+ pages. I guess a real literature buff would have known that.

So now what do I do? I don’t really want to dive right back into the story again.

*sigh*

You stink, Simon and Schuster.

Trying on some "Foliage"

Whaddya think?

I’m really digging the window-shade pull-down thingy.

The colors…eh? Maybe a little drab?

Are you Ready?

Mothers of the Wise and Good

The mother of a family was married to an infidel who made a jest of religion in the presence of his own children; yet she succeeded in bringing them all up in the fear of the Lord. I one day asked her how she had preserved them from the influence of a father whose sentiments were so openly opposed to her own. This was her answer: “Because to the authority of a father I did not oppose the authority of a mother, but that of God. From their earliest years my children have always seen the Bible upon my table. This holy book has constituted the whole of their religious instruction. I was silent that I might allow it to speak. Did they propose a question? Did the commit any fault? Did they perform any good action? I opened the Bible, and the Bible answered , reproved, or encouraged them. The constant reading of the Scriptures has alone wrought the prodigy which surprises you.”

“A Wise Mother”, p. 140

Two things impress me about this story. One, the mother’s refusal to let religion become a point on which to disrespect her husband; two, the use of Scripture on every occasion, happy or sad.

In the first case, this woman could have let religion mark the difference between herself and the children’s father, and entreated the children to heed her instead of him. But instead, she quietly maintained her position and appealed to a higher authority, that of the Lord. In this way she doubtless demonstrated the peace and perseverance that comes from resting in God’s sovereignty.

Secondly, this passage is convicting to me in the way that the mother used Scripture at every time in her children’s life. Why am I so quick to use the Bible to rebuke and correct my children, but never allow them to experience the encouragement and soothing aid that comes from its pages?

From Psalm 119:
46I will also speak of your testimonies before kings
and shall not be put to shame,
47for I find my delight in your commandments,
which I love.
48I will lift up my hands toward your commandments, which I love,
and I will meditate on your statutes.

This just in…

Kenneth Branagh’s Hamlet is finally being released on DVD on August 14th of this year. It’s been ten…long…years….

You may have already known this, but it’s new news to me. This has been a “currently unavailable” item on my wishlist for a loooong time.

If you haven’t seen it, settle in for the four hours and drink it in!

Read With Confidence

(so far…who knows where things could go if someone starts bashing Jane Austen or questioning my cooking)

My Alma Mater in the News

Today I received my copy of The Bridge, Messiah College’s alumni magazine. The first page included a quote from a professor’s essay on the attention Messiah has been getting lately as the alma mater of Monica Goodling, former senior counsel to U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Goodling took the fifth amendment and refused to testify regarding the firings of eight federal judges. She was a senior at Messiah when I was a freshman there. I didn’t know her. I must admit my hackles were raised when I read some of the comments made by the press. I think Jon Stewart and Bill Maher dish it out for everybody, no matter what side you’re on (correct me if I’m wrong on that). But it just seems plain old ignorant for the press to categorize a Christian liberal arts college as one that simply “does not have co-ed dorms or allow alcohol on campus”…as though that is why people attend the school.

Messiah ranks as treasure in state

Why the Media Bungled Monica Goodling’s Background

Catching up

I’ve been off-blog for a week now (blush). Here are some notes on what we’ve been up to:

• Soccer Camp: Cameron and Ben attended a camp put on by the Charlotte Eagles last week, held at Covenant Classical School. They enjoyed playing with kids of various ages everyday. I burned up a lot of gas toting them up there everyday. The picture above is them in their camp shirts.
• Strep: Anybody have a suggestion for a more endearing term for the illness we’ve been fighting? I was thinking of “The Black Death,” but that’s already taken. Another trip to the doctor today.
• A Date: David and I went out to the Olive Garden Friday night and then did some serious book-shopping at Books-A-Million. We made a quick exit at the time when the Harry Potter party started. Streams of goth-looking wizards flooded the store around 9 p.m….it was really hilarious for avid people-watchers like us. Meanwhile, at home, the boys hung out with uncle Tom and Jonathan made sure he was initiated as a babysitter properly, diaper changing and all. Thanks, Tom! We really needed a night out!
• Two more boys in the house: We’re taking care of our friends’ sons Elijah and Joshua this week, so I am now the proud mother of six boys. I actually went to a baseball game Sunday night with ELEVEN men. And little me. More on that later.

Mindless quiz

Which Jane Austen Character are You? (For Females) Long Quiz!!!

You scored as a Elinor Dashwood

As Marianne’s older sister, Elinor lives at the other end of the emotional spectrum. She rarely reveals her intense feelings and is more concerned with being honest and loyal than having what she deserves. Even though her intentions are pure, she sets herself up for loss by constantly placing other people before her own needs. Overall, Elinor is gentle and rational but is just as capable of radical emotions (despite her withholding them) as her sister.

<!– –> <!– –> <!– –> <!– –> <!– –> <!– –> <!– –> Elinor Dashwood 75% Elinor Dashwood 75% Elizabeth Bennet 72% Elizabeth Bennet 72% Jane Bennet 72% Jane Bennet 72% Emma Woodhouse 66% Emma Woodhouse 66% Charlotte Lucas 53% Charlotte Lucas 53% Marianne Dashwood 50% Marianne Dashwood 50% Lady Catherine 28% Lady Catherine 28%

Here’s the link for guys. I know there are some heroes reading this blog!!